Recently I had an encounter with a friend I had not seen in years. It started as a friendly Facebook message, “Hey can I get your phone number?” Excited to catch up with her  as it had been a few years I shared it with her and said “Call anytime!”
The next day I saw her name show up on my phone and I answered, eagerly looking forward to a conversation with someone I cared about but had sadly drifted away from. It started out fine, but within just a few minutes it took a tele-marketer turn that made me just shrink down to the size of a pea and feel so used and uncared for.
It went something like this:
HER, switching into a business friendly voice after the initial pleasantries: “So I wanted to tell you how much you’ve meant to me over the years and how much I value your opinion. That’s why I’m calling to share something I’m working on with you.”
ME, caught off-guard: “Oh, what’s that?” (hating myself immediately for opening up a direct path to what I knew would be a pitch for a product or company or service that I could really care less about.)
And I was right. She began her spiel about how she is so excited to be a part of this amazing new venture…blah….debt-free company….blah, blah…….wants to offer the same opportunity to her friends……
Fortunately for me, her baby decided to take that moment to throw a massive crying fit so she didn’t actually get into the actual “sale” and asked if we could reschedule our call for 30 minutes later in the week. I stammered and tried to politely say “No thank you”, but couldn’t find the words ( I blame my overly polite mother) so instead I narrowly escaped with an, “Email me so we can set it up” instead.
Now I understand completely that these types of ventures and work from home businesses work very well for many people and I’m not opposed to them fundamentally. And I don’t mind hearing about them in the context of how they are affecting their lives in an authentic way, I just don’t want the sales-pitch lines dropped on me about how “My life has been so much better since I started using these products!” unless I am asking genuinely for more information. I want REAL, RAW, HONEST friends that confide and share their lives with me. And I want people in my life that are interested and want to know about my real, raw, and honest ventures. I might someday decide to buy those products you’re selling if you show me through your time and dedication that this truly is making a difference in your life, but more importantly if you spend the time investing in my life so I can understand and trust you when you say that they could improve my life too.
So she did email, and after thinking it through I responded for the first time in my life with what I actually wanted to say;

“It was fun hearing your house so full of energy, even if it meant we couldn’t catch up.
I hate to sound at all rude, but I really need to know what this is about before I can dedicate any time to it. Our life is just too full to give time to things that we’re not interested in or have already explored. I hope you can understand that. I need to be the best steward possible of the time and resources we have available to us.
Best wishes.”

I felt so rude! But in the end it was all true and I had nothing to apologize for. I do care about this friend and if she had been calling to just chat and catch up, I would have found 30 minutes to listen and hear about her life without much trouble. I guess I would much rather invest my time into my friends’ lives than my money. I was craving relationship with this friend and instead I felt like I was instead being used as a stepping stone. I am learning with time and age that it is OK to protect yourself from relationships that damage your sense of worth.
To her credit, she did respond wonderfully by saying she understood and that if I wanted to get back in touch with her about it in a month to give her a call. She included the whole pitch in writing so I could read it if I wanted to, but ended by saying “Timing is everything.” Which I couldn’t agree with more.
I have been to my fair share of sales parties and have more than enough lip-gloss, nail polish, and random kitchen items to prove that I will show up to support a friend when asked. I would just really rather not to be dealt with in a deceptive way. It is all in the approach and the timing I have decided.
I have known people that have had close friendships end over poorly communicated sales pitches that violated the trust needed to continue a relationship. Phone calls out of the blue to pitch something, or even worse setting up a visit to then launch into a sales pitch on an unsuspecting friend communicates to that person that you do not care about their needs in this relationship. If the sales-pitch comes uninvited, it’s a violation of a friend’s time and her trust given to friends to protect and care for her. Being completely transparent about your motives is the only way to deal with true friends. It is better to risk losing a sale than a true friend.
So I got an invitation this week for another kitchen product party. It read, “Come on over for a catered lunch of chicken croissant sandwiches, four gourmet soups, delectable fruit trays, exotic drink concoctions, with six varieties of chocolate desserts! There is absolutely no obligation to buy anything although there will be a demonstration of about 20 minutes on how to use some of the products available for sale. After we’re done with the demonstration we’re going to just hang out and eat and catch up! Please come and relax at my home, my treat.”
I RSVPd and will likely come home with another apple slicer, (sigh) but for the hours of interaction with friends that are open about their motives, who are honest, and who care about my life (and let’s be honest, chicken croissant sandwiches) I am more than willing to add another product to my already stuffed kitchen drawers. When we show that we truly care about the people in our life we live out our feminine call to Mother the World.